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WILL’S CINEMATIC HALL OF FAME

Godzilla 2000 (1999)

Godzilla 2000 wastes no time. In the opening scene, we join our 200-foot hero mid-rampage, with no explanation of how he survived his death in the previous instalment, Godzilla vs. Destoroyah (1995). Godzilla rampages practically non-stop for the first third of this entry, leading up to a show-stopping battle with the Tokyo military (who - believe it or not - are unable to stop the big guy). The second third devotes its attention to the discovery of an alien spaceship (that looks a bit like a metal bedpan), which has arrived to steal all of human intelligence from our computers (I think - don’t quote me on this). In the final third, the spaceship turns into a big monster (duh), and fights Godzilla. Godzilla wins, and two awestruck humans share the following exchange: “Why does Godzilla keep protecting us?” “Maybe it is because Godzilla is inside each one of us.” Keep in mind that this dialogue is delivered un-ironically, while Godzilla crushes the remainder of Tokyo in slow-motion.

I saw Godzilla 2000 in a movie theatre when I was 11. I was a little smart-ass at the time, eager to laugh ironically at this rubber-suited throwback to an earlier, cheesier era, but even 11-year-old-me was unable to resist this film’s charms. Godzilla 2000 is a great monster movie.

My favourite review of this movie is by The Filthy Critic, who awarded it his highest rating. A few excerpts:

“Godzilla 2000” is no classic in traditional terms, it’s not going to win any of those self-congratulatory Oscars, and there are lots of people who will think it sucks. But all of that and the fact that someone stole my bike are proof that this is one fucked-up and unfair world. “Godzilla 2000” kicks fucking ass.

The people who say it sucks are the same ones who will walk out of a porno theater because there were naked ladies in there. I’m talking about fucking idiots who have no idea what to expect. For the rest of us, who know what a Godzilla movie looks like, this is a Goddamn masterpiece, the best Godzilla movie ever. It’s even better than the original where Godzilla competes with Raymond Burr to see who can eat more of Tokyo.

It’s about expectations. Unlike Hollywood turds, this movie delivers exactly what it promises: a guy in a rubber suit smashing into buildings and crushing model tanks; a villain monster that looks ridiculous and invincible, but that Godzilla crushes at the end; a spunky young girl to be part of the team who helps Godzilla; a hokey moral about nuclear war; and some very awkward English dubbing. While Hollywood keeps shoveling their horseshit down our mouths and promising that it’s funny, or scary and smart or whatever, Toho Pictures says “Godzilla 2000” is about a monster smashing up Tokyo, and they’re right. […]

Toho Pictures did a fan-fucking-tastic job of mixing their own rubber-suit technology with some fancy shit. There are digital effects, but only used to enhance the pure joy of a man in a rubber suit smashing shit. The city of Tokyo looks as fake as ever, and yet I marvel at the hundreds of craftsmen that make their living building tiny houses and power poles, just so Godzilla can crush them.

And there is no shortage of destroying shit. My biggest complaint with most Godzilla movies is that the pacing is slower than a senior citizen on the interstate. The normal pace is 75 minutes of buildup and then a fight in the last fifteen minutes. “Godzilla 2000” has enough fighting to entertain even the most violent of our criminal society. The space monster busts up shit, Godzilla busts up shit, and then the military busts up even more shit trying to stop the monsters. I cannot explain why this is so entertaining to watch, but it is. Maybe it takes me back to a simpler time in my life when we’d tape firecrackers to my dog and make him sit on our model airplanes. […]

The soundtrack is perfect because it gives you no clue as to what will happen next, or even what’s happening at the moment. It is randomly romantic when Godzilla is knocking over a power plant, and ominous when a father eats cabbage with his daughter. Similarly, the editors ability to always end scenes ten seconds before they should end, and cut to irrelevant images of a terrified man or sunset, is uncanny. It kept me off-balance and wondering what I missed.

The acting is up to the standard set by other Godzilla movies. There are plenty of closeups of people scared shitless. The best performance is by Hiroshi Abe as the head of CCI. He is oily and evil and pleased that others are dying around him. “That means I will have to send more flowers,” he says whenever people bite it. His evil laugh and smug glares are perfect for a Godzilla baddie. “Godzilla 2000” also delivers several closeups of the monster’s immobile rubber face. I have no fucking clue what those were supposed to mean, but seeing that big phony face thirty feet tall made me love the King of Monsters.

I only have one complaint with “Godzilla 2000” and that is that we never see him jump up and down. He is a more serious and vicious monster these days. He looks meaner, has taller spikes on his back, and he may have indigestion. Relax, Godzilla, you’re King of the Monsters, and you can fuck any hot starlet you want. Or, if you prefer, eat them.